When you need to address a staff member's behaviour or performance, don't start with: "Hey, I just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you."
It seems friendly. It sounds open and kind. But it often doesn't feel that way.
A soft opening carries tension. More often than not, the staff member already knows this meeting is about an issue. They hear it in your tone, in your unspoken body language, in the timing of when the meeting landed on their calendar. They walk into that meeting carrying anxiety before a word has been spoken.
When you start a performance conversation with small talk, employees will often perform "small talk with the boss" while bracing for the real issue to arrive. Or, if they truly didn't expect a performance conversation, they will feel blindsided when it finally comes.
Either way, the desire to reduce anxiety is often the very thing that increases it.
So what is the better way to talk about a performance issue?
Leadership presence requires clarity, not ambiguity. In moments where emotional weight is already present, clarity needs to show up early and directly — with kindness. Leaders with presence are clear about:
- What the conversation is about
- Why they are having it
- The result they expect
For example:
"I want to talk about your performance in team settings. I'm raising this because I believe in you, and I know we can do better than what's happening right now. My goal is that you feel more confident with the team and that this issue doesn't keep repeating."
That statement clarifies your goal at the very start and creates two important outcomes.
First, it short-circuits the anxiety people carry into these conversations. When people sense they're not showing up the way they want to — or the way they think you expect — their minds often go to worst-case outcomes. Fear: I'm going to be fired. Injustice: I'm going to be reprimanded. Shame: I don't deserve this.
Naming the expected result at the beginning removes those worst-case options.
Naming the expected result at the beginning removes those worst-case options.
Second, it allows them to actually listen. Time spent in small talk is often time spent preparing a defence, which is the opposite of being open to change. Instead of listening to their own internal voice, they can listen to the conversation and actively participate in solutions. They become part of the solution, not the problem.
This also matters for you as a leader. Tough conversations are hard not only on the person receiving feedback, but on the person carrying it. Starting with clear goals reduces the emotional load you carry. It removes the small talk that never actually masked your tension and lets you get to the heart of the work.
Kindness matters. But small talk does not equal kindness. And kindness without clarity often creates more anxiety, not less.
If you're wondering how your leadership presence is coming across in hard moments, the Leadership Check-In gives you a clear, honest picture — free, 20 minutes, no personality type.
En route — but aren't we all.